I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
