So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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