Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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