We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
