That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
