I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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