Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
