My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
