The maid of honor just puked.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
