Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
