the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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