My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
