i just wanna soil my oats bro
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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