Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
