I just made out with a guy for $7.
Someone shit on the floor
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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