Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Dick very happy bro
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
