Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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