Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
