if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
