I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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