She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
