Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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