Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
