Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
