you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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