I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
It was like getting head from an anaconda
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
