In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
