were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
