i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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