i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
