if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
