Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
