hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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