Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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