Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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