Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
