I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
