can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
