so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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