I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
