So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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