I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Sext me about skeletons
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
