My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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