Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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