Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
