I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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