you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You are a genius and a whore.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
