a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
this boner is exhausting
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
