the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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