New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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