fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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