I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
