Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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