Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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