I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
