Your face is a jimmy john
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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